(Happy) New Year

2020 was not an easy year. I entered it with expectations, ideas of what I wanted to achieve and an overall sense that my life plan was more or less laid out.

I thought I would be leaving 2020 with a house, and a fiancé.

That didn’t happen.

Instead 2020 ended with my life in free-fall; for the first time in 5 years, I had no idea of what the future held, and quite frankly, that terrified me (still does, even more so due to the age of 30 looming in the near future ). And then there was also Covid-19.

But at the same time, 2020 wasn’t the worst year. It was definitely the most challenging, but it was also the year I reconnected with friends, travelled, re-discovered myself and had “me” time. The year I discovered what was important, and learnt to slow down and appreciate the small things.

As 2021 begins, I am still anxious about what the future holds, but I’m also hopeful.

I have plans to enrol in a language course, potentially look for a new job, relocate to another city, volunteer again, meet new friends, date.

Happy new year.

Please be better than the last.

Do you ever?

Do you ever feel useless?

Do you ever feel like you’re not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough?

Do you ever feel the anxiety building and building inside of you, like it’s going to drown you?

Do you ever wish that you could win a lotto windfall overnight, so you can quit your job and never worry about money again?

Do you ever think that money will make you happy?

Do you ever feel that there is more to life than money?

That happiness and well-being is more important?

Do you ever wish that societal expectations would reflect this?

I do.

Disappointed

Okay, first things first: THANK YOU TO THE PEOPLE FOLLOWING THIS BLOG!!

Every time I get an email alert telling me I have a new follower, I feel so tingly inside 🙂 Of course, it also leaves me confused as hell, because – considering this blog  has a grand total of 5 VIEWS –  I have no idea where you guys are coming from. But still, very very very grateful!!

This blog entry has a somewhat downer of a title. I tried to think of a more eloquent way to put it, but ‘downer’ seems to suit it perfectly, and also perfectly describes the way that I am feeling right now.

I just received a grade from my mid-term test, and discovered that I scored 56% (which translates as a C-grade at my university). Yes, this is a pass mark, so that’s one positive.

In all honesty, 2 years ago when I first started university, I would have been satisfied with that mark, because it was all that I expected of myself and all that I believed myself capable of achieving. There was no pressure for myself to get higher marks – at the beginning.

However, much to my delight and surprise, I ended up consistently getting grades in the A range and that’s when I started to worry about grades.

I got used to doing well, and others began to expect me to achieve. That’s what puts the most pressure on me -not trying to get a certain grade, but trying to get that grade because I want to live up to the expectations of others. I don’t want to disappoint them, or seem ‘lesser’ in their eyes. 

I have a lot more to say on this topic, but at the moment all these thoughts are jumbled up inside my head, and I don’t have the patience or mentality today to try work it out into a cohesive passage.

But, just a thought:  What is it that truly drives you? What is the reason behind your goal?